The Apple Thief

Someone on my floor is stealing apple decorations from the doors. It is up to me to find the culprit. I will combine my future career goal of being a spying with my newspaper reporter title to delve into the mystery of the missing apples. Heck yeah, I am an investigative reporter.*

It started off late last week, when a few apples were gone after late study nights on Thursday and Friday. One student's apple (he transferred out the first week of school) was missing as soon as he left. Although the apples were shoddily made (sorry RA Denver), it is not okay that they are missing/stolen. Charleston from across the all urged me to investigate. He made a sign for my door that threatened the criminal. We do take biz and the law and know how to persecute. I said, "Hey Charleston, this guy is liable for this, right?" Charleston snapped back, "OH NO, do you ever study? This guy is a thief and therefore a criminal. He is guilty!!We can't sue him under civil law. Maybe, because this is causing you so much distress, you could sue him for infliction of emotional distress, but that is in chapter 5 which you shouldn't have read yet." I replied, "Oh man, I read chapter 5 instead of 43!"

Charleston, as a good Watson, helped me confront out first suspect--Denver. Denver was confused, "Why would I steal the apples that I put up?!?!" We know why! I answered, "Because you want to place blame elsewhere! You trickster! You stole RA Montpelier's sign on her door too!" Denver quickly left the room and proceeded to write me up. Absolute ridiculous. I will see Denver in court.

I wrote up a quick list of alibis for my roomie Cheyenne, Madison, and my bff Carson City. Cheyenne was on the frosh retreat, leading the young and naive towards the proper path of righteousness. God bless her soul. She is truly a saint. But could that be a ploy? Saintly Cheyenne could be the apple thief. I have my eyes on her right now. Madison was definitely home--she always is! But she might be angry at her roommate Lincoln. Carson City was in Virginia being a mute--if she can alter her personality to go from loudie to quiet, then who knows if she can go from nice to a stealer. Well, I guess my list of innocent people went from 3 to 0. Trust no one. I did think Lincoln removed Madison's apple from the door, but alas, no.

My trail of suspects has gone cold. I will keep an eye out! Wait!! Today, when I returned from class, my sign was gone! The apple thief stole the apple thief sign! Man oh man, he does not know who he is up against.

Peace out appleslices, until tomorrow!
Detective KB



*This is a true premise but dialogues and names have been changed to protect identities and to make the story more interesting. Not in chronological order either.